Friday, June 25, 2010

A must read


I am going to try again on doing the book reviews. I have read 3 novels this past week. 2 were fantastic, 1 was good.

So let's get started.

Marshall Karp really kills in this great novel. I'd even say he slays his audince. However, his weapon of choice his wit. The detective dou of Lomas and Biggs strikes again and again with one-liners.

The plot has so many twist and turns, you need a road map. As an avid mystery and thriller reader I can honestly say I did not see the ending coming. I had no idea who the perp was.

I challenge you to figure it out. Be sure to let me know, how well you did with your sluething.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Me Squared

Despite the fact that I am rather robust, I have always felt very square. You know, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Or I am a square, as in nerdy and not cool at all. Either scenario fits how I feel most times currently and how I have felt many many times in the past.

Most recently, I met my birth father’s brother and his wife. That would be my biological parental uncle and aunt by marriage. Hope, you can follow the genetic limb. More on this subject in a moment.

I was adopted at the age of 4. When I was about 9 months old, my birth mother lost her parental rights. She and I were both put into the foster care system, at different homes. Mamacita was 14 the day she gave birth to me. She turned 15 a week, actually 6 days later. At some point, she ran a way from home, baby on her hip, 1 bottle in her hand and that is all. Rumor is she met a “carny” and didn’t look back. She only came back when I had pneumonia and she didn’t know what to do. This is how I ended up with my mom and dad. I first started out as their foster child.

When I was 4 mom and dad were able to legally adopt me. Yeah!!! I have a home and family. Then about a month later we went to Mississippi for a visit. Turns out we were picking up my baby sister from the hospital. R was going to be adopted, too. I remember one of my big sisters went with us, most of my life I think it’s sister L when it is in fact sister B. (hmmmm)

My mom’s side of the family has always been wonderful and accepting of me. My dad’s family has always referred to me in whispers, as the “adopted one”. Ah, the south—where the women can cut you down and you’ll thank them for it, they’re that good.

Over the years, I have felt “out of sorts” not like a part of anything. I have never really felt like I belonged.

When I was 25, mamacita called my mom and wanted to see me. My choice. I was very confused. There was a part of me that longed for her – a part of me that wanted nothing to do with her. The soft side of me (which to be honest is 96%) won. I could not imagine sitting there waiting on your “child” to call you. Irony is a funny thing. She was out bowling. There went my vision of her sitting around wondering if I will want to speak to her or not. We met, her family had a big party to welcome me. My Aunt V was wonderful and gracious and passed away. Mamacita and I had our ups and downs over the years, it is difficult to find a comfortable relationship after 21 years of no contact. However, after that big party the tears of joy at my “return”, etc. her family went on to only have intermittent contact with me. Mamacita passed away in Jan. 2009. I have a very strong bond with her widow. Her mom left me a message just over a year after her death. I have not rushed to call her back.

Less than a year later, G my birth father called. Mamacita found him and had him call me. He had a very long sad history with kids in his care. Off and on for the past 10 years, we have talked. I have never met him face to face. This past weekend his brother was in town and we met for dinner. WOW! Uncle W and Aunt MMM were wonderful , so nice and kind. Down to earth. Great people. Turns out they adopted C, who was a biological son of G. They were thrilled to meet me and the kids. They said C had a lot of resentment for G. Not ONE of his either two or three siblings’ was alive. None of them even made it to their second birthday! Lots of drama and back story.

When Big B and I were married we decided to be each other’s family. Even more so once we had the kids. I see his sisters, one more than the rest. His dad disowned us. My family moved to AR a few years back.

As wonderful as my in-laws are there are some not so pretty moments. Last Christmas, Granma received a grandmother’s ring. My kids were not on it. I understand, they didn’t neither did their kind-hearted cousin, who asked why their birthstones weren’t listed or on it. J is a sweet sweet boy. A niece recently, made it quite clear at a family get together, I am not invited if ‘granpa’ is present. Duh! I knew this so do my kids, the grandkids on that side of the family. Why point it out? Why?!!!? So, here we are again having kids made to feel left out. Kids notice, dammit. Quit F**** with my kids. There is no reason to make them feel unwelcome or unloved.

Recently, Little Man was telling me how his Aunt T, no longer hugs him good, but kinda pushes him aside to see E & L (her grandkids). I remember a similar scenario with an uncle, grandchild, and balloon. For some reason, as kids get bigger in stature, shoe size and age, people want to bypass them and see the babies. Let’s not forget they are not “big” enough to understand the emotional “diss”. All kids need to be embraced and loved. Family is more than bloodlines, it is heartlines.

My question is now…….Where is my place? Big B is gone, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Where is my place? I was that little girl looking for her place in a big family. Now, I am that woman, still a little girl inside. The kids go to their dad’s for the weekend, I stay home alone crying or sleeping. This is certainly not the healthy family Big B and I vowed to make together so many years ago. Things change, people break words and promises and all that leaves is a string of broken hearts behind.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Checkin In or is it Out?

It's been a while since I have had time to write. I hate that. I really need internet at home, but I cannot, absolutely cannot, afford another bill.

So much has happened. We had a drunk call from Big B. He wanted to come home but would not quit drinking. His stipulations were for him to quit drinking I had to lose 100 lbs. and quit taking ALL of my medicines. Uh--maybe he just wanted an excuse to keep drinking--you think?

Some of his points hit home harder than others.

These days--I still have no energy. None. Zip. Zero. Sleeping all the time. It is an awful feeling. Never did hear anything back from my blood work. It must be ok then, right?

I want to get up and go to church, but sleep through the alarm. Rush getting ready for work and am still late almost WTF?!!!? I hate living like this.

Also, I have always struggled with housekeeping but having no energy and pain out of control (weather + stress=flare up) it never seems to get done. I started physical therapy for my back, which has helped some, but also I have been having raging muscle spasms. If it is not one thing it is another.

I have a sink full of dishes that have literally been there for weeks. The bedroom is a disaster area. Ditto for kids rooms, hallway, front bathroom, and living room. The dogs have made messes everywhere that have not been cleaned properly. The yard is out of control and I don't even have a weed whacker. If I did I am not sure I could use it. I can't find anyone to help out not that I could afford it if I could.

I feel like MY life is spiraling out of control faster than I can mention it. Not that I would. I am too EMBARRASSED. Also, who would understand? I am sure there are few parents like this. My poor KIDS can only take so much. I can only cry to my support so many times.

I swear I have good intentions to change--I just don't have energy, or health to follow through. How many times, can I lie to myself? Unlimited because I buy it every. single. time. Until I sleep through 7 alarms each morning.

Vitamin B12--yep, Iron--yep--none of it helps. I am getting more bloodwork this week. I don't get to follow up with the rheumotologist until June 22. WTF?!!?

I don't know how much more I can handle before I can't handle any more.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mothers Day my beautiful friend. Enjoy yourself today! Love, Debbie

Monday, April 19, 2010

How many times can your heart break?How much is the truth you just don't want to see or admit?How many times can I be manipulated? How many times can I fail me?

Friday, April 9, 2010

At the movies,I expected the boys to sit together.But for little miss to choose to sit alone 3 rows away,well it makes me feel lonely and I just want to cry.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


It has been a long and germ filled weekend. I had a rhinoscope follwed by a severe inflammation of the sinus'. Next, came the infection and now as par for normal, the bronchitis is setting in.

A lot happened over the past few days, but I can't type it all on my phone so it will have to hold.

Tonight I realized why this breakup has been so hard for me to let go (besides the 14yrs and two kids).

Logically, I know Big B is an alcoholic. Emotionally, I can't help but feeling like I failed. Failed me, the kids, the family, and HIM.

Why aren't I enough? Why aren't I enough for you to fight for? to want to try? to love? to have and to hold?

Why aren't I enough? is my heart to black? to kind? do I talk too much? ask too much?

Why aren't I enough?

Logically, I know the bottle will always win. Try telling that to my heart.